Mood: A Bit Low
It’s been 6 weeks since I started looking for work (13 since I was made redundant), and to date, I have yielded a big fat zero. To say the least, my self esteem is depleting and I find myself with little motivation to do anything. Increasingly worrying is the roller coaster of emotions that reduces me to a blithering mess of tears at the slightest criticism or a soppy TV commercial.
The feelings of resentment that I had when I was first made redundant have resurfaced. I don’t want to be mature and diplomatic any more and say nice things about the company I use to work for. Instead, I want to tell everyone who asks "so why are you looking for a job?" that I was shafted by a bunch of assholes who will get what’s coming to them.
The adult that is me knows that the global financial crisis is affecting everyone, and that no job is really safe from the axe. The adult that is me knows that jobs are really thin on the ground in the market at the moment and those who are hiring are looking for people with very very very specific skills. And the adult that is me knows I am capable and will land a job in the near future.
But with every knock back, my confidence gets eaten away just a little bit more. And every day that I spend looking for work and not receiving any good feedback (or any feedback at all) is another day spent chipping away at what confidence there is left.
I find myself on the brink of tears almost all the time. And the slightest hint of criticism is being taken very personally and blown out of proportion.
I’ve spent most of this afternoon in tears. All because every little thing I did was either deemed not good enough, or wrong. I thought I was trying to help, but no, apparently, I did the wrong thing. Even thinking about it now is making me cry.
I’ve developed this resentment towards everyone who has a job and moans about how bad their jobs are. I feel like screaming "at least you have a job, so shut the f@#k up!"
I’m also at a point where I don’t want anyone to ask about my job status any more. I have no news. If I had a new job, I would have told you. The fact that you’re asking means there’s been no news and I have not found a new job.
While we’re at it, I also don’t want anyone to ask about my hip any more. It’s still there. And it’s still sore. And I am frustrated with the pain. And I hate that it’s still sore.
My money is running low, and I am worried that I will run out of money before I find a job. There are things I want to do, but so many of those things involve money, which is running out. Which is why I now spend all day every day in my apartment, not going outside because every time I go outside, I end up spending money, which is running out.
I hate this. I really really hate this. I need a job now. And I’m willing to do just about anything for money now. I wonder if I’ll have more luck getting a job next week. I hear Woolworths is hiring. Maybe I’ll go back to being a checkout chick. From what I can remember, that wasn’t such a bad job.