Mood: Smiling Again
I am an optimist. At least I’d like to think of myself as an optimist. I try to see the silver lining in every cloud and make the best of every situation. But as I am only human after all, I do suffer some low times of self-doubt, especially when things are going well. Every now and again, I do find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop on the good things in my life.
I went through one such bumpy patch last week. I wasn’t even sure what the trigger was – I put it down to a culmination of a few things which tipped me over the edge and sent me into a tailspin of tizz and tears.
Yes, this story is to do with J. And let me start by saying that he did nothing wrong. I was just being a bit tired and emotional and thought the other shoe had finally dropped.
It all started with a couple of comments about the Epping Street Fair that J and Miss M went to last Sunday. J mentioned on a few occasions that Miss M’s uncle (JX’s brother) was playing with his band at the fair, so I naturally assumed that JX would be there also. For some strange reason, even though I suspected JX would be there, and I have no problems with J spending time with JX when he has Miss M, I was still upset with J – for not telling me in so many words that JX was definitely going to be at the fair.
Clearly, it was an unintentional oversight that J neglected to state clearly this piece of trivial information for my head to process. My head did not accuse J of trying to hide anything from me – it just didn’t like the fact that J didn’t say "Oh, and JX will be at the fair too to watch her brother play in his band."
Somehow, I managed to twist this tiny little oversight into something much bigger, which had me asking "I rarely spend time with him when he has Miss M, and now he’s spending time with JX when he has Miss M, so really, where do I fit in all of this?"
And last but not least, the full realisation J would not be able to accompany me to Hong Kong for my annual trip finally hit home about mid-week, which left me all together in a bit of a tizzy state. I was really horribly disappointed that the best thing for now is to save our pennies, and perhaps visit New Zealand some time next year to meet his family. NZ would be a lot cheaper and we could spend two weeks driving the length of the country at a leisurely pace. Still, it was very disappointing that he wouldn’t be able to come on the HK trip with me.
By Thursday night, I realised I didn’t want to spend any time with anyone over the weekend. Unfortunately, that included not wanting to spend time with J. And I told him so on Friday afternoon, effectively cancelling our plans for Friday night. He was a bit miffed and asked if everything was ok, and over MSN, I gave him the short version of the above.
It wasn’t fair of me to tell him over MSN, and it wasn’t fair to cancel plans on him when it was all me and my head, and it certainly wasn’t fair to imply (no matter how remotely) that he was partially to blame for my tizzy. But I did it anyway because it was easier than to tell him in person.
So my little storm in a tea cup kept brewing on Friday night, and spilled over a little bit on Saturday. J called me on Saturday morning to ask if I’d like to spend some time with him and Miss M – a call I missed because the phone was in the living room and I was in the bedroom. Instead of calling him back, I texted him to say I was heading to the Manly Food and Wine Festival. I may have sounded a bit curt and cold, so I followed up with a suggestion to join them for an afternoon activity on Sunday, which was enthusiastically received.
By mid Sunday morning, I was feeling better about the whole situation. I had been chatting with Danie and Emily about my feelings, and eventually came to the same conclusion they had been trying to draw for me – that I was being a bit sensitive, that J simply forgot to tell me that JX would be at the Epping Street Fair (or that he thought he had mentioned it), that things had been quite full on between us, and that I just needed a little break. And that it was completely ok to have a little cry.
Parking all tizzies, I had a great day with J and Miss M. We went to Rhodes Shopping Centre for lunch and then took Miss M to Ikea’s Småland before wandering through Ikea while Miss M played. The afternoon flew by and before we knew it, it was time to take Miss M home.
Much later that night, J and I had a chat. I reassured him that I had no problems with him spending time with JX – they do share a daughter and JX is always going to be around. I just asked that he clearly state her attendance at future play dates, so my head doesn’t twist things around. J thought he had mentioned it, so it didn’t occur to him that I may have been upset as I joined the dots.
In any case, what I said to him via MSN on Friday afternoon triggered something else. J said that he wanted to make a bigger effort to incorporate all the important people in his life. Unwittingly, he had managed to segment his time with Miss M from his time with me and rarely the twain shall meet. From this point forward, J wants me to spend more time with Miss M, so Miss M and I can get to know each other better. I’m all for it.
Things are back to normal. I do feel a teeny tad sheepish about my tizzy, but it was important to let J know how I felt. Bless him for understanding me.
Thanks Danie and Em for letting me vent. I love you girls!